prayer

I usually would never make my conversations with God public but since I know no one reads this blog but me, I'm just gonna let it all out in print.

God,
sigh.... I don;t know what to do. It seems like I am always doing something wrong and Just can't get it right. I feel like I'm a failure. There's really only two things I ever wanted in life and it looks like I am going to lose one of them and never have the other. I'm so tired of being wrong, and being made to feel the way that I do. I'm tired of not being accepted for who I am, and trying so hard to help others and being considerate of their feelings when nobody cares about me, how I feel, and what might be doing on inside of me. No one softens their words in order to not hurt my feelings, no one cares about how something may affect me, only about how it affects them. Just because I try to talk around with a smile on my face and be happy all the time, don't people know I hurt too? Don't they care? Why can't they see my tears or feel my pain? Why can't they give me the same consideration I give them? I know I mess up sometimes, all people do but can I get a little compassion? I'm just tired Lord. I don't know what to do, I don't know how you want me to handle this. Honestly I don't know why you want me. I AM A FAILURE. A big sorry mess. I am not anything and I won't ever be anything. Honestly I think you are wasting your time on me. There are many others out there more deserving of you than me. I'm tired of crying. One day I want to get it right, but I don't know how. Maybe I should just leave. everyone would probably be better off without me. Is this what depression feels like? If so, I'm never too far away from it. Even in the happy times, I know pain is always lurking around the corner. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. And you know what? It always does.
Father I'm not trying to have a pity party, as I have been accused of doing. I just want someone to vent to, because I have no one else. No one else wants to listen or care. I am totally and utterly alone.